Love, loss and what might have been
by NeverEndingFandoms18
Summary: Set post this Sunday's episode. SPOILERS. This is a tale of how everyone copes after the events of that fateful night. Implied Patsy and Delia. Probably just a one shot. ABANDONED, please see my profile for more info but please feel free to read


Love. Loss and What Might Have Been.

 **Authors note: This is a response to last Sunday's episode. I may be continuing this…**

 **I want to apologise any** **abominable** **spelling, grammar and structure mistakes in advance. I am so bad at proof reading, but I am thankfully getting better as I'm halfway through my first year at uni studying creative writing.**

 **Any mistakes are my own…I do not own Call the Midwife, the BBC does ect**

 **Anyway, I hope you enjoy it.**

Patsy took a long drag on her cigarette and tilted her head back. She sighed as she breathed out. The nicotine calmed her immediately. She wasn't shaking as much now. She had calmed down.

The news about Sister Mary Cynthia's attack had thrown her completely. She had come home from a successful delivery and stepped into the kitchen with a light heart. She had stopped seeing Trixie, Barbara, Sister Winifred and Phyllis ass sat staring into cups of tea. Their faces were colourless, their eyes bleak. Trixie and Barbara had tear stains on their cheeks. Everyone had looked up as she walked in.

Sister Winifred told her what happened.

Patsy had collapsed into a chair. She was held by tries who sobbed along with her. There was silence all around. No one knew what to say. They were all in a state of shock, a state of guilt and of helplessness.

It could have been Trixie who was attacked. It could have been anyone… _it could have been Delia._

Patsy squeezed her eyes shut. No, it wasn't Delia who was attacked. But that didn't mean it hurt any less. Sister Mary Cynthia was close to her own age. She was so young, so vulnerable. She didn't deserve to be attacked, none of the woman who had been attacked deserved the trauma and the pain.

Taking another drag on her cigarette, Patsy thought back to the supper she had just escaped from. Sister Mary Cynthia came back in, looking so much better than she did. She had insisted on a bath, which was only fair. Heaven knows how long she was laying on the dock for. Patsy felt her stomach contract and bile rise to her throat at the sight of Sister Mary Cynthia's injuries. She had been similar ones in the imprisonment camp in Singapore. She should be used to seeing cuts and bruises, but she want. This was different. One of her family had been injured and she couldn't do anything. She didn't know how to offer comfort to the young nun. Patsy was feeling so guilty, so alone, so helpless that she struggled to eat any of her supper. None of them are very much. Everyone had lost their appetites.

Before she escaped to her room, she hugged Sister Mary Cynthia very carefully.

" _My door is always open Sister, if you need to talk. I understand how you are feeling. If here is anything I can do to help you, just say."_ She had whispered. She meant what she said. She did understand. She knew what it was like to be beaten up, to be treated like a piece of garbage. She knew what it was like to be assaulted.

Sister Mary Cynthia smiled at her. It was a genuine smile. She thanked her and said she would take Patsy up on her offer. Sister Mary Cynthia left to speak to Sargent Noakes and to have an examination by Doctor Turner who had come back from his holiday. Patsy prayed quietly and gave all her remaining strength to the young nun. They would look after each other.

Then, after making her excuses, Patsy ascended the stairs and sat down heavily on her bed. Trixie was speaking to Sister Julienne. Barbara and Phyllis were called out. The rest of the nuns were at compline. And she wasn't on call until the morning.

Leaning against the headboard, Patsy took one last drag on her cigarette and stubbed it out. It was then she let the tears fall silently.

 _It wasn't Delia, it wasn't Delia, it wasn't Delia…_

Patsy couldn't even bear to imagine what would have been if Delia had been attacked. She had told her girlfriend to get escorted back from the London since the attacks started. Delia had protested, saying she would be fine but agreed to her demands. She had been walked back by Sam, a porter on the same ward as Delia. The three of them had been good friends. Sam knew about their relationship and agreed to keep it quiet because he didn't want them to get into any sort of trouble. Patsy trusted Sam. She knew he wouldn't let anything happen to Delia.

There was a soft knock at her door. Patsy sat up and quickly wiped her eyes. The door opened as she opened her lips to beckon them in. Delia's head appeared. Patsy leapt off the bed and ran to the door, she pulled a crying Delia into her arms and shut the door behind them.

Delia clung to her, sobbing heartbrokenly. The sobs rocked her body as Patsy held her, nuzzling her face into Delia's hair and rubbing her back soothingly.

Ever so gently, Patsy maneuverer them both so they were sat on her bed. Delia refused to let go and burrowed deeper into her girlfriends arms. They stayed like that for some time. Patsy allowed herself to shed a few tears, but she was conscious that Delia needed her. The Welshwoman pulled back eventually and smiled softly. Patsy passed her a glass of water and brushed the tears away from her pale cheeks.

"You've heard?" Patsy asked, she didn't know why she was asking. It was obvious Delia had been told. The brunette nodded sadly and hugged her waist. Patsy ran her fingers through Delia's hair and pressed a kiss on top of her head.

"It could have been you Pats." Delia whispered into her shirt, "It could have been me. Everything could have been torn apart again."

Patsy increased her grip on the younger woman. "But it wasn't Deels. It wasn't us. And they will catch the person responsible, they will be brought to justice. No more women will be attacked,"

Delia was quiet for a moment. Their eyes met as Delia raised her eyes. "It would have been us…"

Patsy grabbed Delia's hands and held them tightly. She kissed her knuckles gently. "Deels. Stop thinking what if. We are alright, nothing is going to happen. I promise you hand on heart. I won't let anything happen to you. I am _not_ losing you again Delia."

Delia nodded, too emotional to say anything. Patsy smiled, showing her girlfriend that she understood. She pulled Delia properly on the bed and they curled up. Delia laid her head on Patsy's chest, who was stoking Delia's hair.

"Will Sister Mary Cynthia be alright?" Delia asked. She had known the residents of Nonnatus House for a short period of time, but Patsy knew how her girlfriend was friendly with everyone. She was part of the family and Delia was entitled to be so upset. She took everything to heart, Delia was the more sensitive out of the two of them. She always was, Patsy was meant to be the strong one.

"She will be." Patsy replied. "She's stronger than she looks. And she has everyone here to help her recover. She won't be alone. And neither will you Delia. I don't want you obsessing about this. It's done now, there's nothing we can do apart from help Sister Mary Cynthia and try to get back to normality."

Delia nodded and cuddled close. Patsy tightened her grip on Delia. Nothing more was said on the matter. They sat in a comfortable silence. After a while, Delia had fallen asleep. She knew because there was a change in Delia's breathing and she was more relaxed.

Patsy forced herself to stay awake, she couldn't sleep anyway. Her world had been turned upside down once more and she had to pick up the pieces in order to help those around her. She gazed down at Delia. She looked so much younger when she was asleep.

The door opened and Patsy held her breath. She couldn't move and pretend that Delia hadn't fallen asleep on her. She couldn't put any distance between her and her girlfriend. She had to keep up the facade.

Trixie stepped into the room, her skin pale and there was dark circles under her eyes. "I saw Delia come in earlier. I thought we could do with a Horlicks each." The blonde said, stopping as she saw Delia was asleep.

"Thank you Trix." Patsy said, offering her roommate a smile. "Delia's upset about what's happened. She must have just finished at the London…" she hadn't realised that Delia was still in her uniform.

"Let her sleep. We can always reheat her Horlicks for her later." Trixie said, sitting down on her bed and setting the mugs down. The blonde rubbed her eyes and settled down against the headboard.

"How are you Trixie?" she asked gently, keeping her voice in a hushed whisper so she didn't wake Delia. Patsy had soon come to realize that Delia would be very grumpy if she was woken up abruptly.

Trixie breathed out and shook her head. "Positively ghastly." She said. "No one deserved to be attacked, especially not Cynthia. She never hurt anyone."

Patsy nodded and reached over gingerly to retrieve her mug of Horlicks. She continued stoking Delia's hair as she sipped her drink. It calmed her instantly. "It's an awful thing to have happened." She whispered.

Trixie rubbed her forehead. "It shouldn't have happened. If I stayed with Cynthia, or went straight back to Mrs Hill's home to help Cynthia clean up, then none of this would have happened. I should have stayed with her."

Patsy placed her mug down and held her hand out to the blonde, who took it. They interlocked their fingers and Patsy squeezed Trixie's hand. "Trix, it's no use thinking what ifs, I was just telling Delia the same thing. None of this was your fault. We couldn't have planned this. Nobody knew this was going to happen. It could have been any one of us, it could have been any woman in Poplar. It is _not_ your fault. I know Sister Mary Cynthia would hate to know you're beating yourself up about this. She doesn't blame you. None of us do. It was an accident Trix."

There was a moment of silence. Patsy wasn't one for long speeches and she found she was exhausted after pouring her heart and soul to her roommate. But she couldn't bear it if Trixie was beating herself up over this. Trixie shouldn't be feeling guilty.

The blonde nurse nodded and squeezed Patsy's hand in response. She brushed the tears away and smiled softly. "Thank you Patsy." She whispered.

There was another quiet knock at the door. Both of them raised their eyebrows and softly invited their visitor in.

Barbara appeared, her face matching her own and Trixie's. She was still in her uniform, she must have just come in from her call out.

"I saw your light on…" Barbara trailed off, still teetering on the threshold of their room.

Trixie held out her free hand to the brunette, who closed the door and collapsed on the bed next to Trixie. Patsy was aware that they had made up, the whole of Nonnatus house had been tiptoeing around for weeks whilst their fallout continued. Luckily they had settled their differences and made up. Patsy watched Trixie put her arm around Barbara and hold her close. Barbara cried softly, not wanting to wake Delia up.

They stayed like that for a long time. Patsy holding a sleeping Delia on her lap, one hand stoking her girlfriend's hair, the other holding Trixie's hand. Trixie held her hand tightly, with her arm around Barbara. The simple act of physical contact is what they needed most. No words were needed. Their sympathy, their support spread through their joint limbs.

It was Barbara who broke the peaceful silence.

"Can I stay here tonight?"

The simple question wasn't answered. But Trixie pulled herself and Barbra on the bed and covered them with a blanket. She didn't let go of Patsy's hand. Patsy meanwhile had undone a few of Delia's buttons on her uniform so she could breathe a little easier and covered them both with a blanket.

Nothing more was said. Soon the room was filled with peaceful snores. No one broke the thread of physical contact. They slept soundly, with no nightmares, no bad dreams.

Xxxxxxxxxx

Sister Mary Cynthia softly knocked on the door to Trixie's and Patsy bedroom. She crept in, not hearing a response but the light was still on.

She stopped. A smile rose to her lips. The sight that welcomed her restored her faith. Patsy, Delia, Trixie and Barbara were all curled up, holding each other's hands and giving comfort in the only way they knew how. By physically being there for one another.

Creeping silently into the room, she tucked the blankets round the girls so they wouldn't wake up cold. Gently, she placed the vase of flowers on the bedside table in between the two beds and also on the dressing table in the corner of the room. Making sure the flowers were equally spaced out, she crossed the room and closed the curtains. Then, after collecting the mugs of half-drunk Horlicks, she switched off the lamp and left the room.

Sister Mary Cynthia closed the door behind her and held onto her cross. She closed her eyes and then raised them to the celling.

"Thank you." She whispered, a broad smile on her lips.

 **A/N well I hope you enjoyed this. I enjoyed writing this. Please review and let me know what you think.**


End file.
